The Purge – Why?
Sometimes I don’t even know what is what in this world. Trying to run this site is a labor! My body and mind would much rather be sleep, watching movies, reading books, finally learning to cook or sew, or maybe even seeing what’s on tv for a change.
It’s coming up on the two-year mark since SkoolHaze began. I can remember a time when I dreamed about having a website. Having something that was my own. Something where I could just do whatever the hell I wanted to do. Ownership and having the ability to use that ownership creatively was something I’ve always wanted. I can remember when I first began applying for Americorps Vista positions in the Spring of 2009. One of the things that I thought would set me apart from all the other candidates was if I had a website that could show my growth and skill in electronic form. At the time I generously listed that I had created and ran blogs and websites before. It was half-true, I did create some blog somewhere that had a pdf of my resume and coverletter on it, and I had had my practice early on in life making Angelfire websites dedicated to Pokemon, Command and Conquerer Strategies, and Mech Warriors. But, it was all a gimmick to seem better than I was.
Now, 3.5 years later a lot has changed. I’ve managed to create a space online where I can and have shared. And that sharing doesn’t just stay within my own notebooks and head. Real life people actually come here to explore my thoughts – read these feelings that I post – rants that I rave – documents that I propagate – scholars that I support – news that I’m on to. And it in a way it became a cage. I started thinking more about them, than myself.
Why have this website if it’s not targeted to a specific public? Do I think my ideas are right? Do I think their ideas are wrong? That’s me getting lost in the madness of it all. Daily, every minute of my mind is wrapped up in a whirlwind of the future and the present. Often times I have a hard time separating the two.
When I started this, I started this as a way to reflect. A forced way for me to re-think about whatever it is I’m doing here and for however long I am doing it. I’m in grad school now, yes, so I talk about and analyze that. I’m a teacher now, yes, so I talk about and analyze that. The reflection process has pushed me by constantly serving as a tangible way in which I re-think about my practice as a teacher, scholar, and creator. This process was supposed to create something that served as a map for someone to pick up and make their own decisions from. But for them to do that I would have to show them in words and media the decisions I myself made.
At the end of the day, I love this #Artsperiment because it gives me a chance to flex my fingers. Flex my creativity. Flex my thoughts. Flex my strengths. Flex my weaknesses. Flex my goals. Flex my challenges. It gives me a chance to try to do it better than I did it before. Its my way of constantly coming through and breaking down what I thought I could do before only to do it better or at least differently. It’s a living document of my growth. Which means the focus is on me breaking down and rebuilding my walls farther apart and stronger each time. The Purge is me doing something different for my own growth. Selfishly, I’m obsessed. And this post is to reassure myself that that is actually ok.
In my head this was far more poetic…
But this is just a reminder that this… is all ok.
Addition – Actually… this shit is dope as fuck! I used to second guess doing this a lot because people close to me always had (have) something to say about how I spend my time…
I love y’all… but here’s what y’all can do –