Category Archives: Black & Gay

Important reads for Black Gay Men: Frances Cress Welsing & Neely Fuller, Jr.


#Blackgaymen. Look up justifiable homicide. Please!

Sorry my hand was shaking.

Check these readings out. I ordered these books back in 2015. December 31, to be exact. They are giving me ‘color’ on how to understand my dilemma with being treated as a decent citizen, worth acknowledging and treating with kindness and humanity.

Treatment we all deserve.

These are controversial and will JAR you. That is ok. Just read the ideas, and perhaps order the books for your personal library.

Neely Fuller, Jr – The United Independent Compensatory Code/System/Concept

Dr. Frances Cress Welsing – The Isis Paper: the Keys to the Colors

Podcast: Back 2 School, Ex Confessions, Website Building Workbook

Podcast: Back 2 School, Ex-Confessions, & the Website Building Workbook



My 2nd podcast is here! Me rambling about what its been like being back in school, some recent proceedings with my ex, and the free Website Building Workbook tool that I’ve made available.

Podcast Contents:
OPEN – 4:54 = Back 2 School
4:55 – 9:41 = Ex Confessions
9:41 – CLOSE = Website Building Workbook


You can download the free workbook here.



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Me, Mary J, and my Ex(es) – BEDA Day 24 of 31

Me, Mary J, and my Ex(es) –

BEDA Day 24 of 31


So, today, is just a sharing day. I needed to get that out. I am for real going through it in my head. Its crazy how that was so hard to say on video. But… I can already feel my fingers punching away feeling free to share.

I’m a better written communicator than verbal. I WILL say what I have to verbally. But its just easier for me to do it with words.

Yea, I woke up and was just confused a bit. not even confused, just frustrated. I’m so appreciative of the reception I received from my last post about my photoshoot. Y’all feed me with so much love and energy. Its definitely not taken for granted. Specifically because sometimes being a black same gender lovin man is in many ways the complete inverse of what I deal with in many other aspects of my life. I think I kind of mention some of this here and here.

mary j my life album

In many ways the successes and wins that I experience here in the more visible aspects of my life are kind of like my body’s own dampening device, served to protect me from the traumas and just ridiculousness that comes with being anywhere within the LGBT community. I woke up this morning feeling just that yo. I woke up fresh off the consistent love that y’all show me and couldn’t help but wonder why I was dealing with a mending my heart from a run in with this fool at the same time.

I just wanna thank y’all for being welcoming to my journey. I’m hopeful that it inspires you to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. My share-ing today, is meant to show you that everything isn’t perfect on this end. I’m always worried people will think that. Its a challenging for me too. But at the end of the say we HAVE to move forward. And while I absolutely don’t understand why I can’t have that person by my side that I felt so comfortable and strong with. I also know that there’s absolutely nothing I would have done with him that I can’t do on my own.

It’s the mosquito bite that you feel, and now is there. But you’re just waitin for the irritation to go away so you can go on about your day.


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BEDA = Blog Every Day in August

Trusting Life’s Timing – BEDA Day 9 of 31

I’m Trusting life’s timing –
Beda day 9 of 31


– mobile upload-

Scrolled across this on my timeline. Couldnt help but feel ‘chosen’ to see this right now.

I’m currently on my way to a new beginning. Im meeting someone new, for the first time since my break up.

Ive reconciled the break up on my mind. Ultimately, the decision to break up was the best decision at the time. Any other choice would have been selfish for either him or me. At first i was a little hurt that i lost my boyfriend. Its been a minute since i had one of those.

It was him who, ask me to be with him. I… didnt think we were really ready. We leaped anyways. Moving from friends to… a new thing. We never got the opporutnity to make that new thing right we never tried to define it and it broke us.

Living inside each moment. Im actually ok. My feelings were hurt for a second. But, you were right. Were better off apart. Were stronger apart.

It never felt like it at the moment, but in hindsight we were both bending our light. I was fully invested and kind of ok with the new experiences i was having. But you were right. This is the time we both have to beam as bright as we can. And… that couldnt have happened together. Right now. Given where we each are.

I learned so much and there truly usnt much to criticize in you. Its not worth it. And it wouldnt be authentic.

I do kind of worry that ill be just another memory to you. That…. would be the loss of such a great friendship. My boy that I enjoyed movies and museums and home workouts and spectacular-spectacular arguments with.

Yall, they were so great, lol. They were comedy! We argued three times. Once in Fort Greene Park, once somewhere that I cant remember, and of course the legendary battle we had at the New World Trade Observation Deck. I didnt get any picuters cuz i spent the whole time mad at some dumb shit he said as we got on the elevator. We amassed a 90$ wine bill from the sky bar. Off FOUR wines. Un-expected!!! LoL. I left from our failed bar convo – had to hop in a cab to high tail it to this NYCMENTEACH reception. One lesson i learned is how to keep a straight face in public, when it feels like your personal life is in shambles.



We made it thru tho. You made me stronger. Its a shame we can’t be together longer. You were there when i found my strength.

No regrets

No more rambles

“Making Win-Win Situations Blog Everyday in August – Day 6 of 31” on YouTube

How do you share whats hard? And push for win-win situations?
BEDA Day 6 of 31

^^ Watch the vid 1st ^^

I got distracted on the road.

I left off at the good part.

Waking up, i was thinking win – win with my partner. I felt compelled to leave things on a win-win note. I reached out to my now ex-partner and at least tried to present a scenario where we both could win without neccesarily needing to break up.

Im a work in progress. We’re a work in progress. So we appreciate all positive energy as we try to navigate some rough terrain.

Today’s lesson, or maybe this wknd’s is about sharing all the parts not just the glitzy and the glamorous.

What are your thoughts or sharing the hard stuff? I can tell yall – ive had reservations about sharing much of anything about my partner(s) in the past.

And what about pushing for win-win situations? Any helpful experiences you can share?


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Is homosexuality equivalent to femininity?

Is Homosexuality equivalent to femininity?


*The following is a letter received from a SkoolHaze reader. Names were changed to protect privacy*

Well I know this is completely random.. I don’t know if I am intruding into your personal space. I am Tanvi, I am pursuing bachelors in computer science here in India.

Lately I have been concerned about the LGBT status in our country. I am currently working on a project towards bringing awareness that LGBT individuals are not “unnatural” as many conservative heads proclaim. As a part of this I have been trying to understand gay love, about which I know nothing at all.

I would like to interact with you, really looking forward to make a new friend… hoping to hear from you.

With lots of love,


Hey Tanvi,

Sorry to hear about the injustices going on in your home country. I’ll do my best to help you with your project. What parts of gay love do you want to know about?


kanye smerk


Hi Skool,
I am happy to hear from you. Well I want to know few things:

1. Is being gay in any way associated with being more feminine? I suppose it’s just the sexual orientation.

2. I would love to hear any gay love proposals and what kind of love he looks forward to. Like for example a girl dreams that her guy should be someone that is really caring, understanding and there is this iconic going on knees proposal and all that. What would the dream boy for a gay person be like and the dream proposal?

Having said that anything that you can share I would be happy to hear 🙂

Yours lovingly,

Cool here we go Tanvi,

  1. Is being gay in any way associated with being more feminine? I suppose its just the sexual orientation.

Sure. Some people associated gayness with femininity. Some people, as soon as they learn you’re gay, want to know if you’re self-described as masculine or feminine. I would characterize these people as simple to say the least. Immediately, I know what type of person I’m dealing with, in America, when I hear this question. Especially because this question mostly comes from other men that are also within the gay spectrum. When men on the spectrum ask this question they are almost always probing for sex. And they are almost always simple-minded. Not because they’re probing for sex, but because they equate sufficient sex down to a handful of descriptors, one of them being one’s self proclaimed masculinity/femininity, which we can agree has no play on a person’s ability to provide sexual gratification. 


What does feminine mean? Its my understanding that feminine means a lot of things. In its essence it is a neutral term. Meaning something prescribed or most frequently connected to females/women. There in its essence is not positive or negative value ascribed to the previous sentence. Or at least there shouldn’t be. Here in America many of my peers very recently even have taken the time to talk about how strong women are in 2015. They are leading families, they are leading companies, they are leading their communities, they are doing it all. Think Serena Williams. There’s nothing inherently weak about her. However, for some reason, we’ve allowed ourselves to create a society across the globe that trembles and infuses shame whenever men are connected with anything culturally-prescribed as inherently feminine. At the same time, we do the opposite whenever a woman demonstrates a behavior culturally-prescribed as inherently masculine. Here, we infuse pride, success, and achievement into the women and scenarios attached. 


I got a little off topic there. In short, yes, there are indeed some connections between gay men and culturally-prescribed female traits. However, keep in mind that these are only some of the many things that are connected or indicative of homosexual men as an active subset of humanity. I think it is imperative to note that these culturally-prescribed feminine traits do not serve to pump up or dismantle anything within the gay culture, or humanity, as femininity, itself, is not a singularly positive or negative trait(s) to express. At different levels of my maturity, I have struggled to continuously develop my understanding of “normal” behavior.

While we’re working to open up our communities to be more inclusive of our gay populations, and marginalized populations in general, we have to be sure not to continue to instill negatively-framed language or vocabulary against any of the members of our communities. 

  1. I would love to hear any gay love proposals and what kind of love he looks forward to. Like for example a girl dreams that his guy should be someone that is really caring, understanding and there is this iconic going on knees proposal and all that. What would the dream boy of a gay be like and the dream proposal.

I think love is love. We are entering an era now where men and women all over are taking advantage of this opportunity to marry and enter life-long commitments with the ones they love regardless of what they look like. That opportunity wasn’t available a generation ago. I’m interested to see how the gay community here in America works to develop marriage and love in its own image, shaping larger American culture.

With that being said, I can say that personally I’ve never really thought about an engagement story. To be honest, I would really just prefer to have someone to love me unconditionally. Someone that was fully interested in building and leaving marks on this world long after we ourselves stop moving about it. That’s the kind of dream guy I’m interested in… He doesn’t really need to do much else but love me and we’re good. Hopefully I’ll work on getting more creative here in future. I will say, that one of my gay associates, seems to be engaged to his lover. And its humbling, annoying, and inspiring to see all of his engagement-to-wedding pictures on Instagram. His image alone is helping me, frame what love in the future may be for me one day.

Hope this helped,


What do you think? Share with someone you think will have an opinion on this idea. Come back and share your comments below.

Also, if you have a question, feel free to shoot it to me. I will do my best to answer.

Gay Life 101


I don’t even know what to say about this here. Most firstly… I would like to say… that I never ever talk about my gay life. Not because I’m shy or like closeted. Because I don’t consider myself to be. I mean people know… The reason I never talk about my gay life is because there’s not shit going on in it to talk about. My gay life is the complete anti-thesis to my professional/academic lives. Or the sides most frequently shown here.


I wouldn’t even know where to start in breaking down how things have been for me in my years here in life. For me, at least currently it makes sense to start with simple questions and to develop the clearest picture for you, and really more for myself by speaking to you this way.

What is it like to be gay?

Hell I don’t even know really. Some times I feel like I’ve had a very unique experience. Other times I feel like my experience is indicative of culture in which I operate. While I don’t want to fall into the trap of generalizing and compartmentalizing the members of this culture. I will say that personally, I feel as though I participate in some variation of urban black gay culture. I have very few if any ties or connections to the larger mainstream gay culture shared across the country.

I don’t know how to break that descriptor down cleanly in a way that would make sense to you or I. However, I would have to say urban black gay culture is a multi-faceted collective of experiences that in some way shape or form bind me and my black/diaspora gay brothers across the globe.. It encompasses individuals from all regions of the black queer and lgbt community. As a member of the black-gay community, I find that still even to this day, I’m finding myself in new and different experiences that can sometimes make me uncomfortable, or really show my natural prejudice to my predefined norms and comfort zones.

Its taken me many years of reflection and development to understand how my sexuality intersects with the other facets of my personhood that make up the whole of who I am. Until recently, I’ve felt like my sexuality was working in opposition to everything else going on in my life. While the opposition itself had been difficult to comprehend, I would say the more difficult chore has been getting to a place where I can recognize this incongruence, yet still find the love and esteem within myself to still work to create the world I want for myself.

My sexuality had become something that I operated around. It was an obstacle that I detoured around for years, not understanding why there seemed to be so many inherent differences and misappropriations between my black and male self, and my gay self. I was talking to an associate the other day, explaining this story for one of the first times. Early into my monologue he interrupted and said – “What do you mean you have a black self and a gay self? Shouldn’t they be one in the same?”

To which I responded – For me not really. I mean my gay self is full of… failure, most of the other pieces of myself are filled with success or confidence, or stability… Its take me a minute to accept this as a type of balance that I experience in my life.

He pushed back, “I learned to love myself a long time ago.”

I tried to hear him. I wasn’t quick enough to share it with him, but… its taken me a while to figure out how to really love myself. Sometimes I feel like people aren’t really trying to hear that. As though they’ve fully loved themselves from day one. Its been a journey for me. I still struggle with the idea that I have reached my adulthood and still failed to harmoniously integrate my gay identity as fully with my other parts of being.


I’ve struggled honestly since SkoolHaze’s inception to think about how my sexuality would play in the contents of this record. I look forward to seeing how this extension will serve this space.

Share your thoughts below.